OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
