Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
