I wish my penis had an off switch
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
