I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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