I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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