Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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