We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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