He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
