we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
