I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize