u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
did i walk over a car last night?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Is it penis luge time yet?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
