Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
