she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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