my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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