i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
