im having a threesome with these popsicles
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
