you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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