tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
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I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
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I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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