your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
