We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
