i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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