I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
