How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
