My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She even gives head with a lisp.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
