my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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