More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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