No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
