Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
