I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
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the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
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You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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