apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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