Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"