standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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