what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
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i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
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Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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