I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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