i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
