I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize