There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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