I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
