he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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