I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
