It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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