So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
