My brain says no but my pants say off.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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