I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
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Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
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Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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