So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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