Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
