I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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