dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
