I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
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you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
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I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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