Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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