Old men and throwing up are my life now.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Randomize
