I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
