Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
