if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
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Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
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IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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