his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
