wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
