Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
