exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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