I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
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This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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