Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
