a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the day after is always just damage control
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
