He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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