I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
