connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
